A case study: the love

In the phenomenon usually called “falling in love” or love, a lot of important factors interact.

That’s why it is very important to understand each of them if we really want to understand deeply this phenomenon.

So, the common love known by the majority of the people includes a lot of elements which interact each other.

They are:
-the obsession and indecision,
-the groundless attachment,
-the sexual attraction,
- the effective love which can manifest itself as a trade - love or as an unconditioned love.

We also have to mention that the love is intimately linked by knowledge. We love only those people we know better.

Now let’s see what happens in the case of the phenomenon of “falling in love”:

1. Due to the natural sexual attraction (an instinct meant for the perpetuation of the species) two people (a he and a she) look for each other and meet. In the man’s case, the sexual attraction appears for all the women; in the woman’s case for all the men. But it is stronger for those individuals who are much better harmonized (physically, energetic, emotionally and mentally).

2. Those two people start to ask questions one to another trying to know each other in order to see if they have the same common interests (of one kind or another). If they realize that they have something in common, they decide to continue to see each other.

3. Starting with the second and the third meeting, inside of them begin to manifest the obsession and indecision considered by many people as clear signals of the “falling in love” (if you think of him more and more, it’s clear that you’ve fallen in love). However they are nothing more than some signals appeared at the contact with a new stimulus and we don’t know yet what kind of attitude to adopt towards it.

When this decision is taken, the obsession disappears; if we put the closet in a corner, it won’t bother us anymore; or if the status of the other one is clarified (she or he becomes a stable boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife) the obsession for him or for her ceases to manifest.

This is a good thing from the psyche’s harmony point of view; but because of the social ignorance of the psyche`s mechanisms, it is considered exactly vice-versa: “I’m not in love anymore…” (the obsession disappears).

So the obsession characteristic to the “falling in love” lasts only as long as the status of the other one is uncertain (we haven’t decided yet what to do with him/her, how deep we’ll involve in this relation), as long as we are undecided about an aspect or another of the relation.

The corresponding obsession and indecision may also appear in the case of the “fictive fallings in love” from the distance; when we like someone although we know him/her only from sight or very little.

In this situation we admire him/her from the distance (the fundamental cause for any relationship is, as I’ve said before, the sexual attraction) and the obsession and indecision become more and more stronger as long as we don’t declare openly our intentions and admiration toward the other one; they become even torturing at a given moment (in fact they are torturing in their essence, being signals of alarm).

In this case, in order to eliminate them from the psyche, it’s necessary to declare our intentions for the other person as soon as possible being prepared in the same time for a failure, too (the sooner our declaration is made the smaller the possibility of a failure is).

When the obsession and indecision appear, it’s necessary to act immediately to eliminate them through the exact clarification of the type of relation we have with the other one at a given moment.

If we do this, the specific suffering corresponding to these signals disappears, too.
If we don’t specify our position, we have to know that it won’t specify by itself; to believe the contrary is a false expectation.

4. When the positions in a relation start to be more and more clearly defined, the obsession and indecision disappear; but because people are not careful, some wrong judgments appear in their psyche; those specific to the groundless attachments.

This thing is obvious when the quarrels and the total or temporary separations will appear. Then, the false expectations specific to these groundless attachments and to the overlooking of the resistances, will manifest (how are those specific to the anger, to the revolt, to the sadness or the depression).

The psychical suffering which accompanies them shows us that we judge in a wrong way, that we aren’t aware of the fact that all the links from the creation are temporary, lasting more or less and that they finally end.

And when this thing happens we suffer only because we expect some impossible things to happen or that a link with something or someone from the creation to last for ever.

The paradox is that because of the wrong social culture, the sufferings which point out these groundless attachments are wrongly understood as signals of love: “how much I loved him…”, “how much you love him…”etc.

Correctly it should be said (although it could appear tough):

“What a stupid woman! She suffers in vain. She doesn’t understand that any relation has an end. If she understood this, she would immediately adapt herself to the breaking of that relation by creating other new ones and thus restoring her harmony”;

“What a stupid man! Through his attitude he just prologues his suffering, although - if you ask him - he would like to avoid it”.

5. The normal love (which doesn’t produce suffering) is that which doesn’t know the obsessions and indecisions (because through analysis it eliminates them as soon as they appear) or the groundless attachments (because he doesn’t strengthen them in itself; and if it sees that they begin to manifest, it eliminates them immediately through understanding).

It knows that the sexual attraction and the sexual act have the role in the species’ reproduction and that the continent sexual act has also the role in the superior harmonization of the relation between those two.

In the case of the falling in love there is one more aspect which can hardly be seen because of the so many obsessions and attachments; this is that of wanting all the best for the other person.

It manifests under two forms:
-the trade-love appears as a wrong judgment when we help somebody to harmonize himself/herself at a superior level, thinking that he or she will also help us as much as we helped him/her. In this case the false expectation is to consider that if we offer something to somebody, that person will give us back as much as we offered to him/her; this thing is obviously impossible.
Some people can offer more, can make much more good than the others; and for the system to work well, they must make as much good as they can. It also must be said that each element has to make that kind of good it can make better.

-the gift-love appears as a correct judgment and it consists in offering to the others as much as you can without expecting from them a gift as big as yours.
When the elements of a system pull together for the system’s harmony, each of them must perform some specific actions.

There’s one more aspect which must be clarified: if you make something good and you expect to be rewarded for this, you have to know that you’ve got a wrong judgment in the psyche (specific to the trade-love); it’s well-known the fact that you are not always rewarded for what you’ve done (at least for the moment).

A correct judgment means to consider that you have to do as much as you can to help the others because you’ll be rewarded sooner or later by the exterior and by your inner state (specific to the judgments of the unconditioned love-gift).

So, if we eliminate from the phenomenon of the “popular falling in love” all those elements which produce nothing but suffering (being characterized by some specific false expectations like: the obsession and indecision, the groundless attachment and the trade-love), we’ll know the real love, the only one worth to be sustained in us (because it maintains our harmony).

It is characterized by a natural sexual attraction (between a he and a she) updated in a stable relation of couple (on basis regarding the ulterior harmonization of the children) in which it is practiced the continent sexual act and in which, between those two people and the rest of the human beings, the unconditioned love and the gift-love are present. It’s about that kind of love offered unconditionally, knowing that it won’t remain without any reward.

Observation: Even if we don’t have it, when someone has it for us, the gift-love is accompanied by a feeling of safeness, of good. (we know that there’s always someone who can help us when we’re in need).

The gift-love appears only after some tests; we see that the other one helps us unconditionally for many times and thus we realize that as long as he/she exists, we can ask him/her for help and we’ll be helped.